Inner Calling Book Club: Accidentally on Purpose (Chapters 1-4) by Kristen Kish
Victoria Ranade:
Hi Inner Callers. This is Dr Victoria Ranade here to welcome you to the first episode of our Book Club! We're really excited to be here and to read and discuss Kristen Kish's book, Accidentally on Purpose together.
I love Kristin Kish. I am personally such a big fan of her, and a super big Top Chef nerd, like super, super, super, super, super big. So I've been wanting to read this book for a really long time. This book is a memoir and reflection on her life, and it explores themes of identity, adoption, belonging and the journey towards knowing yourself and where creativity and healing come together.
We will be releasing a total of four total book club episodes for this book, and each one we will cover four chapters. So we encourage you to read the book along with us, so you can join in.
I have with me today Carlisle Hickey and Western Kramer, who are both creative producers on our show. Here are the highlights from our conversation! You can find the entire conversation on the first four chapters of the book in the full episode here.
Carlisle Hickey:
I actually wasn't as familiar with Krista Kish! I was familiar with her name, but the more I read about her, the more interesting she gets.
Victoria Ranade:
In terms of like, did I find anything about childhood surprising–I was surprised at how happy it was. It was very idyllic. I was really surprised about that, not that I thought, per se, that she had a traumatic childhood, but I just didn't realize what a nice–it just gave me a warm feeling to read about.
Carlisle Hickey:
It sounded so wholesome. And I think what it was for me is, anytime you read like a memoir, I think I'm expecting, like, somebody to not trauma dumb, but essentially just like, lay out these, like negative experiences. And she really, off the bat, was just like, I had this beautiful childhood, and then that definitely surprised me, but it was also, like, so sweet and wholesome to read about.
Victoria Ranade:
Yeah, it really was. And then it was interesting that she talked about how like that related to her anxiety, like losing that kind of idyllic kind of feeling
Carlisle Hickey:
and feeling guilty for her privilege. I thought that was interesting, too. She went on a bit of a stint about that, which is interesting, like, having so much like love and warmth and like privilege in your life, and then like that's manifesting into guilt and anxiety because you don't know what to do with it.
Western Kramer:
Her growing up in that wonderful and sort of, like. Traditional Midwest lifestyle, and then, like, as soon as she started to explore and experience the outside world, she realized, yeah, like, how idyllic it was. It was like, oh, wait, this is not how everybody's raised. Like, even as an adopted Korean in the Midwest, she talks about how she never really felt like that outside, like, the way that everyone treated like, it's kind of goes against, you know, a lot of what we hear for Asian American immigrants growing up in the US,
Victoria Ranade:
Especially in the Midwest, I would have thought she'd be more isolated.
Western Kramer:
Yeah, right. But it just shows that love wins out, you know, kind of despite who you are and where you come from, as long as you have loving and respecting parents who want to train you and raise you well, then you'll more or less turn out to be a good person.
Victoria Ranade:
The other thing I really enjoyed about the book so far, is her writing about food.
Carlisle Hickey:
Her tying in of food is so nostalgic, the way she describes it and like, ties it to such core childhood memories and emotions. I think it's like, so well done.
Victoria Ranade:
Yeah. I love the way she describes food. There's like an element of memory and emotion in it that was really significant. It was interesting to kind of see the origins of her becoming a chef, that they go back into childhood. And as a child psychologist, I just find it fascinating, because I think that some of our interests and tendencies and skills can trace back to early childhood. Can you guys relate like things that you'd like as an adult? Do you remember enjoying that as kids?
Carlisle Hickey:
Yeah absolutely, I think obviously, like, your case changed a little bit. But I think there's almost this cyclical nature of self; like when you're a teenager or young adult or whatever, you kind of grow out of those things and rebel against them, but then when you get older you're craving them again. So I'm finding myself now, like, very much drawn to things that I thought were very cool and cute as a kid.
Victoria Ranade:
She also talks about being adopted, and this was interesting for me, because sometimes I've thought about adopting a child one day, and it was really interesting hearing her perspective being an adopted child in that she wasn't tormented about it, that she enjoyed it. And like, seemed really happy being adopted. And I think that's always been, one of my hesitations about adoption is like, how would that work? How would that feel for the child? And so this was actually really encouraging.
Carlisle Hickey:
Yeah, I was a little surprised by it as well, because I feel like you always hear stories about people feeling a little disconnected from their sense of identity when they're adopted. But, and I think it's a very individual experience, obviously, but I thought that was so amazing. It seems like she can only remember memories of feeling loved and cherished by her adopted family and and like, even she said, like her parents were very open to like if she did want to explore, like finding her biological parents. And then, you know, Kristen Kish just said she never really felt the longing to do that.
Victoria Ranade:
Yeah, it was really interesting. And then the other thing I really found fascinating was just what it was like to be queer for her growing up. What did you guys think about that?
Carlisle Hickey:
What I thought was really interesting was that she does reflect on a lot of moments of feeling like she doesn't belong in her childhood, but none of them ever related to being adopted, and very rarely it sounded like it related to her race. It mostly boiled down to her queer identity. And I thought that was, like, almost very surprising. But then again, like, the 80s and 90s were very different times to be queer than it is now.
Western Kramer:
Yeah, I was just gonna say, like, there's moments, right? Like, as a queer person that you can resonate with another group, a person, especially in their coming out moments. Like I bookmarked one of her quotes here where she was talking about she's sitting here watching Julia Roberts delivering this line in this movie. And then she goes, Oh my God. I thought sitting in the dark watching her deliver that line, I'm gay. Like, yeah, we've all had this kind of moment where you're like, well shit, okay.
Victoria Ranade:
Did you have that moment?
Western Kramer:
God Yes. Like, it hit me like a ton of bricks as a kid, and then it was like, but I as a child, didn't have the tools or the resources or the language to articulate it. It takes time to process it.
Victoria Ranade:
She talked about how she up to that point, she had known that something was different, but she didn't exactly know what it was, or it seemed like have the words for it, which I thought was helpful for her, to share her experience of that, because I see that in so many queer teens, too, is like, you know, something's different, but you don't know exactly what it is. Because it's really hard to grow up in a society where everything's and everyone's straight, or it's heteronormative, so it's very confusing.
Western Kramer:
Yeah, it's interesting, to grow up and you feel disconnected from every piece of marketing, every ad, every commercial, everything around you is telling you otherwise. So you're like, am I wrong for doing this? Because nobody does this, so am I different? Then it's like, it's, it's nice now for, I think kids growing up to be able to see that sort of normalization; things being talked about or discussed or portrayed in a healthy light. You know, not having the queer person in a movie always be the villain, right? Because it subconsciously puts this image in your mind of, oh, well, queer people are evil, duh. But if you see the queer person being the hero, you know, then it all of a sudden gives you something to hold on to and to latch on to, like, wait, maybe I can be a queer hero too.
Victoria Ranade:
Yeah, I think mirroring, the mirroring is really important for us as humans, is like having our own experience married back to us so that we can understand ourselves.
Carlisle Hickey:
Yeah, I think she does a real service to the audience in her book in a lot of ways. But specifically what we're talking about earlier, about like, you don't need to have like, one particular path in life. And I think in chapter three and four, she goes through her experience of, like, going to school and then deciding, like, Oh, I'm gonna cheat, you know, I have to go home, and now I'm gonna go culinary school. You know, like that, she shows that she's never, like, made her final decision or the right choice right away. She went on a journey. And it’s okay to take your time and figure it out.
Victoria Ranade:
I would actually, really recommend this book so far to young people because, when I was young person, and for many young people, I see there's a lot of, like, struggling with, like, oh my gosh, I don't know what I'm gonna do, and I'm behind already, and everyone else knows, and like, this anxiety that creeps in. But her story is encouraging, like that. She found something and figured it out. And I love reading about how her parents were supportive of that.
Carlisle Hickey:
I will say something else that I really liked in the book was Kristen always talked about kind of struggling, but identifying that there's like two different parts of her. Like a very logical, analytical and practical side of her that wanted, like XYZ. But then also, like this dream side of her that was always looking to do something fun and creative with her life, and she always had to, like, mesh the two. Do you guys? Did you guys relate to that part in the book also? And then, do you feel like you have those two sides of yourself, or are they something different?
Victoria Ranade:
Well, I'm Taiwanese American, and in my culture, you can be one thing, a doctor, like a medical doctor, not–other doctors don't count. That's how I was raised. So I always struggled with that as a kid, feeling like I had to be a medical doctor for me to have worth. So I feel like Kristen's book is encouraging, because it shows you as an Asian American, that hey you can make significant contributions, not just as a medical doctor, and that you can do creative things. There's so much stigma in doing creative things as an Asian American, but you can do creative things and make a living. You can do that, yeah? And you can have an impact. It's really meaningful to me as an Asian American woman, to see Kristin Kish out there making an impact. That's really meaningful. And I think that's meaningful for younger people to see too.
Victoria Ranade:
Thank you everyone for joining us for the book club today, we will be releasing episodes through the rest of the fall, so just continue reading along, and then see you next time at our next book club meeting.