A Pep Talk for When You’re Struggling with Self Hate
This is a pep talk for times you hate yourself–and we've all been there.
So…you hate yourself.
You don't like something deep and fundamental about who you are. You can't stop thinking about it.
Maybe you hate the way you look, maybe you hate your body. Maybe you hate the way you act or who you are fundamentally in the world. Maybe there's something you did something you just can't seem to forgive yourself for. Maybe you hurt someone and did something you regret. Maybe you do have a reason, a good reason you feel, to hate yourself, and in a strange way, it feels right, like you deserve it.
If this is you, you're not alone.
I understand because I've been there myself and I've also seen many people who felt that way too. For so many of us, hating ourselves feels honest. It feels like finally telling the truth about what's wrong with us, what we did, how we are, we start to agree with the voices around us that may be judging, shaming or misunderstanding us.
We begin to see ourselves through their eyes, and what we see isn't pretty. It's like suddenly standing in harsh sunlight after years in the dark, the light doesn't just reveal beauty, it also casts these sharp shadows, and once we notice these shadows, it's just hard to unsee them. But I want you to know you are not your shadow. It's not the whole story of you. Your shadow is just evidence of your light.
So the first thing I want you to know is that you feel bad because you're good.
That might sound strange, but hear me out, the reason you're in pain is because you care, because you're trying. You feel shame because you just want to be good. You're good.
In my 20s, I remember when my own therapist said this to me. It was groundbreaking. I was dwelling on all the things wrong with me, feeling terrible about them. When he said, Victoria, you feel bad because you're good–whoa, it hit me then, like an arrow that pierced through this thick sludge of self hate, like a small beam of light coming in. I was good.
It didn't fix everything in my life in that moment, but something shifted, something powerful, because for the first time in a long time, I let myself believe maybe I wasn't fundamentally broken. Maybe I was just human, like maybe this experience is exactly what it is to be human. So you're not the only one struggling. You're good too.
The second thing to know is that there's more to you than the parts you hate.
Self hate puts you under a microscope, zooming in on every flaw, every misstep, until it feels like that's all you are. It distorts you, like those moments you catch your reflection on the back of a spoon. You hyper focus on seeing your face, stretched, warped, unfamiliar, and for a moment, that's all you can see. But what you have to know is that's not you. It's a distortion, a trick of perspective.
The truth is that you're more than what you've done wrong. You're more than the worst thing you've ever believed about yourself. You're more than your shadows.
Try this:
Picture yourself staring at a tiny black dot, obsessing over it.
Now zoom out and keep zooming out, eventually you'll see the full image that dot was just one spot in a much bigger picture.
Zoom out even farther and realize it's not a flaw in your face. It was just a speck in your eye, a sparkle that dot never actually told the whole story.
Because here's the truth: there are good parts of you too, parts that are kind brave, parts that are still learning, parts that have survived things no one else can see.
The third thing to know is that everyone has shadows. There is no light without darkness, no growth without struggle.
In DBT, there's a concept called dialectical thinking. It's opposites that can be paradoxically true at the same time. You can have made a mistake, but still be a good person. You can be vulnerable, but also strong. You can fail, but also keep trying. So make space for your shadows. It's the reason your light exists. They are two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other.
Think of it this way: the part of you that's really sensitive, that's also the part that loves deeply, notices beauty and sits with others in their pain. The part of you that gets angry, it might be the part of you that's also fiercely protective and passionate. Your shadow also holds the roots of your light. It doesn't need to be rejected, just brought to the light and understood you're like a yin yang symbol. Both light and dark have to be together, because that's what makes balance. Wholeness isn't just about being only light. It's about being both.
It's not about being only the parts of you that you like, love or admire about yourself. It's also about being aware of your darker parts and just learning how to sit with them and hold them gently. It's seeing yourself the way a loving presence would with soft eyes, eyes that see your effort, that see the heart and that you're trying, and that trying is just the journey of life.
Carl Jung once said, one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. You bring light, not by avoiding darkness, but by acknowledging it.
The fourth thing to know is this, you can always begin again.
Let go of what happened. Forgive yourself, because learning how to be yourself, it's a process, and it just takes time and mistakes. Mistakes are a part of life. It's part of the process of becoming yourself, and sometimes when you hate yourself, you feel stuck in who you were and what you did, but just always remember you can begin again at any moment. You can try to make things right. You can make amends. You can repair and rebuild and apologize.
And when you fall, because we all do, you can just pick yourself up and begin again. And it might not be easy, but it can be done slowly, day after day, moment after moment. Just keep trying. It's not about what happened. It's about how you respond to it, and this is how you develop your character.
Fifth, find something you're good at. It doesn't have to be big. It could be small, like how you brew tea or how you comfort a friend, make someone laugh, or how you just see beauty in your unique viewpoint on things, whatever it is, just let it remind you: You're good, and your goodness brings something to the world in a way no one else can.
Six: You don't have to do this alone.
Surround yourself with people who see and accept you, the real you, people who don't flinch at your shadows, who remind you of your light when you forget it, people who help you feel safe enough to just be yourself, because healing isn't meant to be done alone, but in community and in connection with others.
In internal family systems therapy we learn something radical, which is that every part of you has a purpose, even the parts you're ashamed of, the part that sabotages you, the part that isolates or shuts down. You might have some parts that are protecting you or trying to control your life, to help keep you safe, or parts of you that numb and distract you because they just don't know how to deal with emotional pain. But these parts are all doing the best they can with the tools that they have.
Imagine that you're an orchestra all the different parts of you meant to live and be in harmony, but the parts you hate begin to overrun your orchestra trying to protect or keep you safe by numbing or distracting or over controlling everything, trying to keep you from feeling deeper pain from parts of you that may be exiled, but when you begin to listen to the pain these parts of you have, not with judgment, but with compassion, they soften and your true self can be the conductor of your orchestra again.
It can begin to lead your orchestra and bring peace and clarity and confidence as you rest in your true self. So the goal isn't to get rid of the parts you hate. What you want to do is just listen and understand and bring compassion to yourself, because healing is about welcoming yourself home, as Dr Richard Swartz, the founder of IFS, says, All parts are welcome. It's okay to be light and dark. Find people who can hold the dialectic and paradoxes of you who can challenge you while also loving and supporting you, creating a safe space for all of you, a light to remind you of your light is what we all need.
Remember: you're loved just as you are.
When I was a kid in the 80s and 90s, there was a PBS television show called Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. Every day I'd watch Mr. Rogers on TV, and he'd always used to say, I like you just the way you are. And when he said it, I really felt it that I was liked just the way I was, and that it was okay just to be myself, so I'm saying that to you now, in the words of Mr. Rogers, I like you just the way you are.
Listen to the full episode of the Inner Calling podcast “Essentials: Listen to This When You’re Struggling to Like Yourself” to learn more about this here, & get the workbook to go along with it in our Resource Library!
